Mission failed

Hey, missioned failed. Didn’t post 30 days in a row. It’s harder than you think to do that.

But I still remember the sequence though: 5910 7535 0278 6963 4572 3002 5072 9867 2372 4563 9163 7463 83 At least I think that’s the right one.

It seems like I’m just coming here to write when I’m struggling with myself. When I don’t feel like I’m enough. I know how to get out of it. Just accept it. How? notice the thoughts and feelings without any judgment. It’s also harder than it seems.

I feel like a schizofrenia, so many different voices in my head.

You suck.

Ok, I suck, that’s ok.

I should have done that, why didn’t you just do it.

I don’t know.

If I were just more confident, had more, willpower then everything would be so much better.

To think like that doesn’t help you. You will just destroy your self-esteem and confidence.

Ok, just try to notice your thoughts and feelings

Haha, I can’t even do that.

My mind is so crazy.

Why can’t someone like me for who I am?

Why should they when you don’t like who you are?

Do you see what I’m getting at. I have so many fucking voices some is putting me down. Some try to help me some know what to do but they/I don’t do what is needed. I know that a lot of other people have bigger problems than me. I’ve been just gliding through my life. Almost everything I’ve got and done have been easy. I never have had to push myself for anything. Well, that’s not true. I know that.

I guess it depends on what kind of headspace I’m in. Imagine if I could have my mind and body to work towards the same directions. My whole mind, it feels like it’s fragmented. There are a lot of metaphors. To talk to different parts of my brain. But it doesn’t feel like I can do it myself. Because I can’t have that part of my brain knowing what to do there all the time without censoring the other parts.

Honestly, I don’t expect you to know what I’m talking about. You probably need background knowledge in NLP and other psychological concepts. It would be so cool if I would be able to master them.

I watched Derren brown today again. Amazing what he can do. Most of me believes what I see. But another part of me says that I have to be sceptical. That’s good. I think everybody should have that part. But that part also undermines your confidence. Because you are never too sure about anything. When you’re acting confident your sure of yourself, or you trust yourself.

Anyway, this helped me to get into another kind of headspace. So I’m pretty much done writing now. I will think about how I will continue.



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