2014-09-08 Dark thoughts

It’s been raining pretty much the whole day today. The feeling is that autumn is approaching. There is a tree outside my window which are changing it’s appearance from dark deep green to a more colorful attire.

On days like this I feel like doing nothing. Just sitting on my balcony listen to music with a blanket around me and hold someone I love. No need to speak, no need to prove anything just being.

The thing is I fuck up all my relationships. It’s not that I don’t love them or that they don’t love me it’s just me. I just love my freedom and my alone time. It comes at a cost right? In relationships it’s about giving and taking. For the moment I feel like I’m only taking. It has to be on my terms.

I experience enough to know that nobody is able to save me but myself. I wished that somebody would come around and be able to save me but somehow I don’t think it’s possible. That’s why I think my relationships don’t work out. Firstly, I love my freedom. Secondly, I can’t love unconditionally. Third, I don’t have my shit together.

My maturity level aren’t high enough. I’m not able to satisfy my own needs yet and I want somebody else to satisfy them for me. It doesn’t work that way. But why not? Why can’t it be that when I need someone that person can be there for me and when that person need someone I can be there for them? No strings attached.

Sometimes I think that everything will work out if I just got somebody, but I know that it won’t. I have issues that me, myself have to deal with. And until I’ve dealt with them can I be in a healthy relationship.

Love is not enough. Once upon a time I thought it would be enough, but I don’t think so anymore. You need more than that to have a healthy relationship. If love would be enough there wouldn’t be any unhealthy relationships, but there are.

It’s these kind of thoughts that occupy my thoughts on a day like this.

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