Doubts

I was walking on a sidway with two friends one evening. This was a while ago. All of us were lost in our own thoughts. We had just finished playing pool and was on our way home.

Suddenly one of my friends asked, ”Toni, do you ever wonder ‘what the hell am I doing with my life?'” It surprised me and I wanted to tell him that I do, I do it a lot. But instead I answered ”I did when I was younger.” And the conversation went downhill from there.

I actually did it a lot when I was younger. I think that is one of the reason I am here in Australia right now.

Today I asked myself the same question ”What the hell am I doing with my life?” I was in the freezer scanning boxes.

Am I sacrificing my future now, no Uni degree and don’t even work within the field I studied. Just some normal labour job that anybody could get. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning, freezing cold and I am in a chiller scanning boxes of chicken. What the fuck am I doing here.

All kind of thought started to arise. Haha, are you really happy here? You are just running away so you don’t have to deal with responsibility and expectations. Do you really think you are doing this because you love to travel. You are rationalising.

It just made me feel worse. I just wanted to leave everything and say fuck this. I’m going to go home and sleep. I didn’t and I am glad that I didn’t.

It is not often I doubt what I am doing anymore. I did it yesterday and I am going to do it in the future as well. I don’t know if everyone do it once in a while. But I do it and every time I do it I remind myself of how much I have learnt,  How many new people I have met, How many beautiful places I have seen and how many memories I collected.

I don’t know if it’s normal but for me it is and it’s ok. But it’s still there in the back of my mind ”Am I doing the right thing?”.

I don’t know but I have chosen this path and it’s feels right. Everything is going to work out in the end. I want to believe that and sometimes I do sometimes it is hard to be a believer.

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