I think I know why I want to be “perfect”. To be perfect you can’t be perfect. Validation, that’s the thing. I’ve always got validated because I was good at things. In school, in sports mostly. Sadly but true. It makes sense. That’s why I want to be alone sometimes, just to not feel the need to prove myself. When I’m alone, nobody can give me validation anyway.
What this boils down to is that I’m afraid of people not likeing me. I think most of my fears boils down to this. Validation, I want to know that people like me, like what I do, like who I am.
But it’s not only validation. I’m so afraid of failure, that it’s not even funny. I’ve always been afraid of failure. That why I’m afraid of committing as well. Because if I don’t commit fully to it I can say to myself “I didn’t do my best”. It makes sense now. It was the same thing at school it was so easy for me, but I didn’t get the best grades. But it didn’t matter because people around me thought that I was smart, relatives, friends, acquaintances, teachers. They told me you are so smart, they told others he’s so smart, but I didn’t feel smart at all. I put so much pressure on myself, “I have to be good, but I have to make it look like it’s coming easy to me.” I felt like a fraud all the time, I still feel like that. If they found out they wouldn’t like me anymore.
I remembered very clearly one time a friend of mine told another person “Toni, can find out where north, east, south and west are by only looking at the sun.” I couldn’t by then because I was young. But the other guy said “Ok, prove it.” I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t do it, I didn’t want to disappoint my friend and most of all, I didn’t wanna be embarrassed. But that time I was lucky we were close to my home and from my home I did know where north, east, south and west were. So I luckily escaped that one. As soon as I came home, I learnt how to do that properly.
Most of my fears comes does fear I think I fear this more than I fear death. But I’m working on this. This blog is a part of it. I have to commit more, I have to share more of my thoughts and feeling not only in written form but also IRL. It’s a challenge. It’s called vulnerability.
The other part is that I have to accept that I’m not gonna be liked by everyone. That is a little bit harder.
Anyway, this is one step on my thousand mile journey.