I wasn’t sure if I should tell you this or not. But I guess I do it anyway. I told you that I felt lonely right, it wasn’t the first time actually. But that was the first time I realized what it was. Now I’m gonna explain why I think I felt lonely for the first time and the reason I was able to finish the diving course. I’m gonna be honest, if I knew that some people here in Australia would read this I wouldn’t have written it. I never been good at shareing my thoughts and feelings. This is one way to practise it.
Another reason for shareing this is because of Brene Brown. I won’t go into why, bec it would take up this whole post.
When I went to Cairns I expected to meet up with two friends from Brisbane. So on saturday I texted one of them and ask if they wanted to meetup. They said sure, having dinner and are tired. They slept at the airport to catch a early flight so I could understand them. So I wrote, ok, we can maybe meetup later if you guys don’t wanna go back and sleep. After a while they asked me where I was. I told them. After a hour I texted them: are you coming? They answered: No, we’re to tired. So we going back to the hostel. That pissed me off. Would you even have told me if I wouldn’t have asked? Didn’t write that though, just wrote ok. So I’ll be waiting a hour for them thought they were looking for me. They knew where I was, kinda. And Cairns aren’t that big that it would take a hour to find me even though your in the other side of Cairns. That was saturday. Right then I was mostly pissed of and angry.
Sunday, I decided not to text them, still a little bit pissed off. A little bit childish I know, guess I haven’t matured enough yet. So I approached and talk with other people, went to the botanic garden with a swiss women, just arrived from New Zeeland. And she taught me alot about new zeeland and fauna. She is a landscape architect. Met some other people when I got back to city, took their number to meetup with them later.
I had dinner at the hostel and went down to the esplanade. Kinda the beach, more of a harbour. And sat on the edge and started writing (Wrote down my thoughts and feeling, kinda like a diary). A bit away a noticed an asian women drinking beer sitting on the edge. It wasn’t something special about her. And I don’t know why I noticed her. It was a lot of people sitting along the edge. But my eyes was constantly going back to her. ”Should I talk to her?”, ”No, she probably don’t want to be disturbed.” But I couldn’t concentrate. So I just gathered all my stuff and walked over and smiled. ”Hey!” She turned her head and looked at me (she was wearing sunglasses so I cannot be sure). ”What do you want?”, I didn’t even noticed what she said I was like ”Do you mind if I join you?”. She kept staring at me and finally said ”Sure!” Then we talked a little bit for like a hour, let’s call her N. Then I started texting with the people I met earlier. And N left. It was enjoyable and I thought that I would never see her again. What I didn’t know by then was that she would change my life. I truly believe that.
Even though I met a lot of people during sunday, it still bugged me that my ‘friends’ from Brisbane hadn’t texted me. I think it was why I felt so lonely. I just realized I have no one to turn to. Nobody to talk to, nobody that can make me company. And I truly realized that Sweden is very far away. The people I trusted to accompany me the first few day in Cairns doesn’t want to meet me. Stranger can only do that much, they helped me get past sunday. But on Monday, I was all alone. Remembered the feeling in the pool. And I wasn’t keen at all to talk with new people. Rejection, I’m not good with that. Without going further into it, That was my worst evening and night here in Australia. I started to questioning myself, how can people like me? Is everyone just using me? Maybe it’s true, there are no good people in the world. What am I doing here? Nothings gonna change just because your on the other side of the world. Your not gonna change. You gonna be the same fucking looser when you get back. How could you think you would grow up here when you cannot grow up in Sweden. Gave them another chance and texted them. They were busy. What’s the odds. Anyway, they owned me money so I pushed for the meeting, got my money and then they left. With the toilet excuse. I maybe are paranoid or something but, I just got the feeling that they didn’t want to hang around me.
Tuesday came, predictable, never gonna betray you. Didn’t do well in the pool and got two reprimand from the teacher. You can tell that I wasn’t feeling well. And I hope no one have to feel like I did. No one. I’m so silly, why am I being this way, I living my dream, stop all the fucking thoughts. Be positive. Be optimistic. Do something else. I ran. for like 30min and it felt better. Then I took a shower, thinking of what I was supposed to do after this semester. And out of nowhere. All the thoughts and emotion I neglected and ignored ran to the surface of my mind. And it overwhelmed me, it was to much… I just sat in the shower and felt like doing nothing, just cry. It was like the song: Här kommer alla känslorna på en och samma gång. And I thought, I’m not gonna tell anyone. Then I heard Brenes voice in my head, Fuck you and your shareing.
I don’t know how long I sat there. But after a while I felt a little bit better. Ate a little bit and went down to the Esplanade as usual to write and enjoy the sea, the wind and the sunset. I just sat down on the Esplanade and was just supposed to start writing when I saw N walking towards me. We greeted eachother and she joined me. It felt so natural, like we’ve known eachother for a long time. We teased eachother, talked, listen and I realized two things:
1. I want to be like her
2. She understands me
I don’t want to reveal the stuff she told me in secret. But… I so want to be like her when I get older. Wanted, don’t really wanna be like her. Almost like her. She seemed so free, so happy. And it felt like we were born with the same purpose, with the same goal. We were so like eachother in our mind, our thinking and our feelings.
Never, I never met anyone like her. Who can listen like her. Yeah some people can get me to talk a lot. But the things I shared with her. I don’t normally share with anyone. She didn’t laugh at me, she didn’t judge, she didn’t made it about her, she didn’t give advise, she just understood. I never felt like that before. Sure, I felt that I connected with people before. But this was different. We just sat quite and just understood, watching the sea. Ate dinner, shared beer there, bought take-away. I’m not alone anymore, it’s someone out there who are like me, who understands me.
It’s not impossible, there is someone else who are living that life that I want, It’s not only a childish dream, it’s not a unrealistic dream. It’s so possible.
It was like an angel that heaven send to me, just to help me on my way. Maybe it was. We exchanged contact details. But I don’t know if I dare to contact her. What if she is not what I view her to be. She were there at the right place at the right time. We’ll see what happends.
Felt so much better after that, got more confident. And got… Faith in what I do. I don’t doubt there still will be times when I doubt myself. Maybe I meet another angel then. Or maybe I can be someone elses angel.
Got my diving license, met up with other friends in the end of the week and made it back to gold coast in one piece.
I’m not alone anymore, it’s someone out there who are like me.
P.S It was a pretty long post, huh.